Memory Lane

 I'm sitting in my mum's house in the UK whilst my family is all in the US. Yes, we're all fine. I'm here for my dad's funeral. 

I started this blog in 2014 and honestly forgot it existed. Social Media takes over your life, so blogs just seem irrelevant. But I always loved the sound of a keyboard, organising thoughts, and sharing internal struggles. So this feels like the perfect opportunity. 

Life in the US is WILD. There are days  I love being there, and days I miss being "home". I'm not sure the US will ever feel "home," but the UK certainly feels unfamiliar. 

With teenage boys living their best life in college and my youngest entering his pre-teen years. I have felt somewhat useless. I have found several different things that find me solace. I've fallen in love with friends who I am obsessed with, a group of people I get to be my most authentic self. I would be living my best life if I could merge both sets of friends from here and in the US, and all live in a cu-de-sac together. Because when I saw my girlfriends yesterday, the weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt like I was home. Because home isn't a place. It's a feeling. And the people you get to live it with. 

With family over here in the UK, FaceTime is sometimes a daily occurrence. Since Dad passed a month ago, things have felt a little different. This was the first Christmas without Dad's face on the other end. And tomorrow is the first time in 15+ years that I have been in Yorkshire. I'll keep it short about good old Phil, my dad was a stubborn Yorkshire man. We didn't have a traditional father-daughter relationship, but it worked out just fine. He was a fast runner, athletic, hiked, cycled, you name it. Stage 4 brain cancer robbed him of his last few months, and it was heartbreaking. But he would have been miserable sitting inside all the time, so better the devil you know. He loved the life he had; he was a good soul, and life is a little sadder without him in it. 

One of the biggest changes that has happened since we moved over is that all of a sudden. I'm a business owner. Something that never honestly crossed my mind. Sure, I dabbled in nutrition coaching. But that was a mere hobby. NOW, there's a team to organize, payroll to sort, big adult decsions to make. The term "useless" doesn't apply to this part of my life. Being in this position has made me grow up. (even a smidge) I'm a little more confident, a little more trusting of myself, and whilst i'm still learning to accept help, I also feel like I've lost a little of myself too. Being a gym owner is like working a 24/7 hotel reception job. Something is always happening, there is always a person who needs something immediately, and your customer service face is on.  The hobby of working out has gone astray. Getting to class is a struggle and sometimes a hindrance. Being around people is sometimes just too exhausting that you just want to work out alone, and that can feel demoralizing. I'm kind of obsessed with it, though. i want to see the business grow, I want to test my capabilities, and perhaps, prove myself worthy. Because honestly, being a mum was my only job. Working part-time shitty jobs around their schedule was the only thing I was interested in - or rather, comfortable doing. Because i'd set myself up to stay in my lane and not try to be anyone else. And trust me, there are better people out there who can do things way better - and I'm ok with that. As long as I can say I tried, I didn't give up and i learnt something from it - I'll continue down this path and see where it leads. 

I've spent the last 2 years nervous of failing, worried about others' opinions, and constatnly picking myself apart. But as i sit back in the room where we first packed up from in 2014 - I'm proud of what we as a family have done, i know that living in the US is right for us, and I'm lucky enough to have friends act as family that i get to be myself with - and that is the only home I need. 

5 years later..

I'm a sentimental gal. I like dates. It drives my husband crazy! But this is a little different. FIVE years  ago today we moved over to the grand U. S of A. Where you will recall I was SIX months pregnant and we somehow lived in a hotel for 2 weeks with a Eight and Five year old in the extended stay in Southfield. 

The scary part is, that if we weren't fortunate enough to have our green cards. We would be going back home. Which feels surreal. 

It was such a monuments event for us as a family, one we have never regretted. But perhaps pined for certain comforts other friends have. 

For instance, having your mum 20 minutes away from you when you need a break from the kids is a luxury. Because FaceTime just doesn't cut it. That cuddle you need when the world feels like it's caving in. Or imagine being six months pregnant and all of a sudden all of your normal foods that you crave are no longer available, you have to substitute it for some weird foods that you've never heard of. Let me tell you something. Skittles and Mars ice cream do.not.taste.the.same. It's a thing. 

Whilst we have been building a foundation doing this thing called life, we've missed out on moments "back home". Gut-wrenching events that make you home-sick. The passing of both our grand-mothers within a year was horrendous. We were going through our green-card application that meant we weren't allowed to leave the country. If we did, our application could be delayed and there was no guarantee we could get back in. That knocked the wind out of our sails for a bit and our families. Other events like friends weddings and children being born. Parties. Everything. But thank goodness for the internet - where we can FaceTime, message each other, share photos and life events. I couldn't do any of this, knowing the people I love back home are only a message away. Not a postcard that takes 4 weeks to get there. Because that's a thing too. Sending back Christmas cards take at least 4 weeks of planning. Which is a skill I have yet to master :D 

I used to think anxiety was a made up word. That feeling you have in the pit of your stomach, the nervousness you feel in your fingers. These Americans like to talk about their feelings LOL. Something that has taken me a while to become used to. I've definitely learnt that I am mentally stronger than I previously thought, I think it's made me a better person. But I certainly feel a lot more on edge than I ever did. But that is adulting right? 

The most amazing unexpected part of this, which I never even thought about. Is the friends we have made. The ones who have become our adopted family and put up with our quirkiness. Also, the opportunities we have experienced. Going on a school trip to Washington D.C put our little Calais trip to shame! Having weekends away in New Orleans, San Francisco. Places that blow my mind. The amazing opportunities Dave has got to experience thorough work. This was the guy FOURTEEN years ago who was an engineer, going in jeans and a t-shirt. Now he actually owns a couple of suits. Monumentus  progress RIGHT there :D 

Overall, it has been a great experience for our family. It's taken a while to feel like home, and England will always BE home. But FIVE whole years have gone in the blink of an eye and I can't wait to see what happens next. 

The end is nigh..

4 years ago I started this blog. Full of excitement, wonder, adventure and lust for a new beginning. 4 years ago where we moved over to the US of A from the grand UK.
Alas, it's time to close this chapter and start anew.

Whilst I still feel like there is an adventure to have, it's a different kind of adventure.

The adventure of a lifetime, bringing my kids up in a land that isn't home, but is more familiar every day.


Thankyou for following along!

First for everything!

I nearly created a blog under a new heading, where it isn't under the "adventure begins" because it doesn't really feel like the beginning anymore. It feels like a normal, routine. The moments of adventure seem to have passed and normal life is occurring. But. This still IS an adventure, WE ARE still having new experiences and whilst it may be a lesser adventure than 3 years ago. It still counts.

This last month we have had a few "firsts" Yesterday we had the privilege of being invited to our friends baby gender reveal party, because lets face it thats a thing now. Back in the day.. SEE... I ALREADY feel old and i'm not!! I don't even think i blame it on "American culture" because it seems to be EVERYWHERE! But after a tremendously tough few weeks it was nice to attend something fun and celebrate something new and exciting.

When we decided to move over here, it was warts and all. It's take the good with the bad and we will deal with it when we get to it. What we didn't expect, was for things to come crashing down so quickly AND it never crossed our minds that we would attend a funeral over here, maybe that was naive of us, but I guess that is the nature of the beast.
A special girl at the cross fit box I attend, lost her life in a moment. I spoke to her a handful of times, I wish it was more and it won't be the same without her. I attended her funeral with a sense of curiosity, to compare what I have experienced back home, but most importantly I needed to be around my adopted family and friends. It was a special funeral, that was something like I have never experienced and I don't want to go to one again anytime soon. The kicker of it all, was this happened on the same week my nan had her funeral. The one I couldn't go to, the one where I should have been at to help my family and grieve for her properly. It bought a sense of closure, and in a way I could grieve for both losses at the same time. But it was a lot of sadness all at once, a time where I would escape to the gym to get through the emotions of loosing my nan but then my safe space turned into sadness too.  I've never really thought myself as strong minded, but over the last few months I see a glimmer of hope, that maybe I am.
Loosing nana just a month ago, is something that still doesn't feel real. I spoke to her more times since I moved over here, than when I did in the UK. She is irreplaceable and the thought of going home and not seeing her, is a horrible thought that I can't even touch upon. She gave the women in our family a lot of traits, including stubbornness and a liking for tea. She was a second mum, a substitute dad and a woman with a wicked sense of humor.

So call it a moment of madness, or a sense of urgency to feel like i've ACTUALLY achieved something in my life. During that week of grieving and loss, I signed up there and then to study. Because I had a moment, a wake up and smell the roses kind of thing. I've loved fitness, I love to help people. I don't do well with sitting still and I like to be busy. BUT i'm still the girl that LOOKS like she needs a personal trainer, so i've always had it in my mind that once I loose the XX pounds I need to loose then I would be a personal trainer. I sat on this train for a long time, even spoke to friends about it who told me, my thought process of waiting to look fitter was crazy. So here I am, studying for the first time in a gazillion years, learning how to become a personal trainer AND a nutrition coach. I did it to better myself, to learn and apply it to myself and then maybe help others too. I still have a problem going to a normal gym outside my cross fit gym. I am intimidated by the weights area, I will not go to a class if theres more than 5 people in there who will look at me when I enter. So, IF i'm going through that, and I KNOW there is other people too. Why can't I be the one to help them get over that fear? IF I help someone else to do it, that will make it easier for me in the long run?? I want to hold your hand and cheer you on, because I need it too.
I did this too, because I still cannot work, without forking out hundreds of dollars to get a employment card. We are still going through the green card application, which will mean I CAN work, but it won't be happening anytime soon. So studying it is, even though I struggle to retain information, find it hard to put in the time and still get the feeling i've made a weird decision!

The other first that happened this week, was my son having a girlfriend. Completely took me by surprise and made me have a little freak out. Making me reminisce about all the secondary school (high school) drama. Having to talk to him about certain things, especially as now it's all social media and on the phones. I have no doubt that one day he will read this and be embarrassed but. Hey. Guess it's a part of life. But lets face it, the fact he has an English accent will do him good in years to come :D

So who knew, that there would still be first experiences. We are approaching the 4 year mark since we found out about coming over here. 4 years since I was pregnant and emptying a whole house and thinking about leaving it all behind. At this point in time, things are on the up. I feel like we are waiting around for the next step, but when that is all said and done. I know we will relax and this really will become our home.

Ta-ra
xxxx

Sunny daze

There have been moments over the last few months where I've wanted to write on here, but life got in the way! 

So the terrors are on summer holidays from school. And yes. Saying Summer holidays over here, is confusing to most people. It's summer vacation, or summer break. We have had a few instances over the last few months, that I have noticed our language has changed to the "Americanish"my son once called it. Every now and again I make a point of it to them, but otherwise I let it slide. Because after all, they have to make sure people understand them at school! 

There will be little reminders of England that we will talk about, for instance. Malteasers are new over here, whereas that's has always been their favourite chocolate! They still refuse to have hershey's  and won't go near Mac n Cheese. But most importantly no one, likes peanut butter!!!! 

But what is noticeable, is that my middle son is starting to forget certain things about what we used to do in the UK. It saddens me, because there is such an attachment to the UK and when I have to remind him, it seems so alien to him. But I guess thats what happens when you move to another country at 5 years old! 

We have just had the next step of our green card application through, where we have to get fingerprints taken and have a little interview! It's scary but not as worrying as what we went through to get here. Considering we have bought a house, made a life and settled in though. It makes me feel nervous that it could all be for nothing. But i'm a worrier. I seem to get nervous about a lot more than I ever used to! 

Recently my husband surprised me with a trip to New Orleans, the most amazing break away from life. The best time, where we could relax and be humans, not just parents. But I was worried, all the what ifs, the slight overreactions of something small. I have always considered myself a open person that wants to go see everything and experience it all. But I think I've been in a bubble of routine for so long that i've forgotten what it's like to step out of my comfort zone! 

Talking of comfort zones, I recently competed in my first crossfit competition! I mean seriously, who does that for FUN?! But in a weird way, it was.  I liked the challenge I set for myself. It was something that I signed up for because I NEEDED to get out of my bubble. I'm so self critical and doubtful of myself that I needed to push myself. 

There were a few things that worried me, going on first was a horrible thought, but then when I walked into the "box" I was intimidated! Being in the front and surrounded by crazy fit people, petrified me! But once I was doing the work, I was ok. I was too out of breath to care what I looked like. Until I stepped out and saw a photo of me where all I saw was rolls of fat and then my brain started going into overload. The point is, theres always something I'm going to be worried about, or being self critical about. But i'm proud to have done it, and i'm stronger mentally because of it! 

We have entered the potty training/transition to big bed, for my husband.. i mean youngest child1 :D Fairly uneventful apart from being peed on mid tantrum and him peeing all over the shopping trolley whilst in the middle of the shop! Nothing worthy of attention! But a humorous part of life! I feel like, we finally know what we are doing. 3 kids in and we've become the super cool, chill, parents that we wanted to be with the first child. There is no way in a million years you could persuade me to have another baby. That phase is over, life can begin again. But it's a lot of fun with all the boys. i'm surrounded and thats ok. I was never really the girlie girl. Apart from the crying. I do that a lot. Still. Full floods of tears, incomprehensible talk. The whole thing. 

Anyhoo, thats all for now folks! 

xx

The sky isn't falling in...

Guess i've dropped the ball on this blog!! 

As it's been a while, i'll try not to ramble on too much.. but no promises! 

It has been an interesting few months over here, from the craziness of a new school for Ollie, Christmas, skiing, and hospital trips! But lets get the biggie out the way shall we? Experiencing the election!!! 
Now first off, it's in your face all of the time. Every advert, every road. Everywhere you could possibly go - theres a sign in support of a candidate. The radio, is full of approved messages and reasons WHY you should vote. Imagine the local candidate races in the UK where the signs are everywhere, the window stickers are up. Except it was a lot more intense - with the feeling of relief..when it was over? No. Now the election is over, the shock and awe of people that this guy, is President. Lots of debates, arguments, discussions. I get the feeling its a lot like how it went down, when Brexit happened. I stay away from it, as much as possible. But the kids had a mock election at school, they come home asking if the president will kick us out of the country because, we are on a visa. It's impossibly hard to stay away from any discussion or debate. And i'm the outsider. The one who couldn't vote. We are on a visa! We are going through the green card application. Who knows what could happen? Most likely, nothing. BUT I feel like we are playing a waiting game, for the ball to drop and for us to figure out. What's next?
We have been going through this green card application for a few months now, paying some money, sending off paperwork. But what was unexpected for me, was having a compulsory flu jab, to go through all our vaccinations over the last 30 years and have the necessary top ups. It was exhausting, expensive and frustrating. So for all the conspiracy theorists out there, you go through the green card application - they take your blood and make a clone out of you... maybe? Perhaps not!

Other than the usual day to day dramas, things are good. We are coming up to three years being over here! I can't say that i wouldn't go back to the UK tomorrow if i could, but everything so far. Is still great. I still get the odd surprise from people, when they hear my accent, but I don't feel as "lost" as I used to. Since we bought our own home, I feel less anxious and feel more settled. It's been so easy to get back into a normal routine, almost too easy! I want to everything, go everywhere and experience it all. And then reality sinks in, soccer .. sorry.. football matches, sitters for the dogs, schedules... .blah blah blah. 
But over the course of these crazy Three years. We have developed a little family of friends. People we can call at a moments notice to watch the kids, have crazy drunken nights out with, and we have enough space to hold parties and let the kids have a billion friends over! I'm so grateful for the village of people that have made this country a home. 

Daves company got taken over by a bigger company, so we are waiting around to see what implications that have. There won't be anything that affects our application, but it's another waiting game. I've been job hunting for a few months, i feel a little lost in myself and miss the buzz. I love being at home and have a great routine, but I feel like my brain is slowly dwindling away - so I need to find something for me again! I still love doing my fitness side of things, I have joined an amazing group of bad-ass people who are so inspiring. I still need to start teaching Insanity - but i'm working on myself right now! 

Other than that, the clan are all good. Spring is NEARLY.. here?! ":D

xx

Summer daze

Day 48 in the big Wallace house. 

The boys have been off for summer, for quite a while now. They are starting to get on each others nerves and argue. Mainly it has been about who's turn it is on the video games or who had the remote control first! They can be best friends for 12 hours and then by the 13th hour the tears are flowing and my ears are ringing. 

Whilst I grumble about sibling rivalry, I love being home with them. 

The inlaws have been over for the past couple of weeks. It has been nice to show them our new house and see the boys entertained. It certainly makes you miss the support structure from having family in the same country as you. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders when I don't have to entertain the kids for an hour! 

Hubby and I have made the most of it too. We have been able to go out, have some beers (or wine in my case!) Tonight we are going out for the last time for a while. We used a babysitter once, and the dog spent the whole night growling at the poor woman. Needless to say we haven't used one since. But I've decided it's important. I NEED to feel like I  haven't aged 40 years because we do the same thing day in, day out.  

So for now, I'm happy being the Stay at home mum. I am looking for the part time jobs to keep me busy, but there's nothing that has caught my eye. I decided to put the beach body business on hold for now. Whilst its a great business with great people. I need to concentrate on me first. I have not been able to be as consistent with my workouts or nutrition since we came back from our European holiday. 

Thankfully, my wonky pelvis and hip that keeps popping out seems to be doing better. So i'm crossing all my fingers that it won't put me off any longer. 

I have noticed that since I had to lay off going to the gym etc that i've been slightly down. It goes to show that exercise does more for you than just changing your body image. But I have great motivating people around me who encourage me to do better, and that helps enormously. 

The title of this blog needs to change, because it doesn't really feel like an adventure anymore. We own our house, we have a great lifestyle and more or less do the same things we did in the UK. 

I still get asked where my accent is from, and then get the story of their friend Bob. Who lives in a town in England. I also get the questions about what i think of Brexit. I have had fun introducing pimms and marmite to my American friends. That soon changed the subject! :D 

Hubby and I will be celebrating 10 years of marriage this year. We have been together 12!  I've been trying to convince him we need a party to celebrate. As much as I would love to do something like that, it takes a lot of effort and I'm not the person to do that! :D 

Anyhoo. Time to make the most of the sunshine! 

Love to all! 

xxx