Memory Lane

 I'm sitting in my mum's house in the UK whilst my family is all in the US. Yes, we're all fine. I'm here for my dad's funeral. 

I started this blog in 2014 and honestly forgot it existed. Social Media takes over your life, so blogs just seem irrelevant. But I always loved the sound of a keyboard, organising thoughts, and sharing internal struggles. So this feels like the perfect opportunity. 

Life in the US is WILD. There are days  I love being there, and days I miss being "home". I'm not sure the US will ever feel "home," but the UK certainly feels unfamiliar. 

With teenage boys living their best life in college and my youngest entering his pre-teen years. I have felt somewhat useless. I have found several different things that find me solace. I've fallen in love with friends who I am obsessed with, a group of people I get to be my most authentic self. I would be living my best life if I could merge both sets of friends from here and in the US, and all live in a cu-de-sac together. Because when I saw my girlfriends yesterday, the weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt like I was home. Because home isn't a place. It's a feeling. And the people you get to live it with. 

With family over here in the UK, FaceTime is sometimes a daily occurrence. Since Dad passed a month ago, things have felt a little different. This was the first Christmas without Dad's face on the other end. And tomorrow is the first time in 15+ years that I have been in Yorkshire. I'll keep it short about good old Phil, my dad was a stubborn Yorkshire man. We didn't have a traditional father-daughter relationship, but it worked out just fine. He was a fast runner, athletic, hiked, cycled, you name it. Stage 4 brain cancer robbed him of his last few months, and it was heartbreaking. But he would have been miserable sitting inside all the time, so better the devil you know. He loved the life he had; he was a good soul, and life is a little sadder without him in it. 

One of the biggest changes that has happened since we moved over is that all of a sudden. I'm a business owner. Something that never honestly crossed my mind. Sure, I dabbled in nutrition coaching. But that was a mere hobby. NOW, there's a team to organize, payroll to sort, big adult decsions to make. The term "useless" doesn't apply to this part of my life. Being in this position has made me grow up. (even a smidge) I'm a little more confident, a little more trusting of myself, and whilst i'm still learning to accept help, I also feel like I've lost a little of myself too. Being a gym owner is like working a 24/7 hotel reception job. Something is always happening, there is always a person who needs something immediately, and your customer service face is on.  The hobby of working out has gone astray. Getting to class is a struggle and sometimes a hindrance. Being around people is sometimes just too exhausting that you just want to work out alone, and that can feel demoralizing. I'm kind of obsessed with it, though. i want to see the business grow, I want to test my capabilities, and perhaps, prove myself worthy. Because honestly, being a mum was my only job. Working part-time shitty jobs around their schedule was the only thing I was interested in - or rather, comfortable doing. Because i'd set myself up to stay in my lane and not try to be anyone else. And trust me, there are better people out there who can do things way better - and I'm ok with that. As long as I can say I tried, I didn't give up and i learnt something from it - I'll continue down this path and see where it leads. 

I've spent the last 2 years nervous of failing, worried about others' opinions, and constatnly picking myself apart. But as i sit back in the room where we first packed up from in 2014 - I'm proud of what we as a family have done, i know that living in the US is right for us, and I'm lucky enough to have friends act as family that i get to be myself with - and that is the only home I need.